Memories of Light
by Comfy Chair
Summary: Alternate Season 5 ending. Buffy is weary of fighting. Spike is weary of existing. And, what of Dawn, now the battle against Glory is won?
1. Prologue

Memories of Light

**Prologue**

Spike woke up. His eyes focused on the ceiling immediately above him as he lay flat out, but it was lost in the darkness of the mausoleum. His right arm spasmed, knocking an empty bottle of tequila – testament to a heavy day. It rolled onto the floor to hit its twin already resting there. The bleached one grunted and moaned; the melodrama of the act lost to the otherwise vacant tomb.

He sat up in bed, cradled his face and slowly dragged his hands over his off-white hair. After arcing his back to stretch out creases in his body, caused by lying in one position all day, he finally surveyed the dark room he occupied. His night-sight gradually clicked in. "Oh, shit," he sighed dramatically. "I'm still in Sunnydale." He draped his legs over the side of the bed. "Still, it can't get any worse than that."

"Hi, honey, I'm home," Harmony twinkled from the heavy oak doors that lead from the tomb. "Did Spikey drink too much again this afternoon?" She continued in her heavy Californian dialect.

"Fuck off."

"Don't be like that. I've had a hard time. LA is so not the place to be…"

"Stop whining, woman!" Spike cradled his head again. "You could curdle milk with that incessant noise."

"Oh, you don't mean that. I bet you've missed me really."

"I've got to get out of this place."

Buffy patrolled the fourth cemetery of the evening. Boredom had come and gone, to be replaced by a sense of going through the motions; left leg forward, right leg follows through. Had she really come to the point where she had to kill something to feel satisfied? The thought disturbed her. It brought forward a vision of a brunette languishing in prison in a far away city. Lost in her thoughts, she practically walked into Harmony.

"Don't kill me, don't kill me," the ex-Sunnydale High student bleated.

"Harmony! I thought you had left town."

"I had, but….."

"What's up, no one want you in LA?"

"Well, that's where you're wrong, see, cos I stayed with Cordelia, and…and we hunted vamps with Angel and Wesley."

At the mention of Angel Buffy became angry. "Then why come back here? Did you miss Spikey?" She mimicked.

"That bastard! I wouldn't give him the time of day…night."

"Turned you away again, huh? That crossbow bolt to the back probably put him off you."

"That was nothing. It's all part of out tempestuous relationship; I impale him, he….."

"OK, I'm getting the image, and filing it away with several others." The Slayer started to walk away only to be followed close behind by her former classmate.

"He's so mean. He uses me and casts me aside. Being evil should be more fun than this, but it's such a miserable existence….."

"Enough of the self-pity! You don't deserve the indulgence."

"But, I was killed and….. and I have to drink blood. No one deserves that."

Despite her dislike of the girl who had caused her friends so much grief at school, Buffy had to admit that Harmony's punishment was a bad case of overkill, literally. "So, where is Bleach Boy now?" She asked conversationally.

"He barged pass me. Said something about meeting his old friend, Dawn. Hey that's your sister's name isn't it?"

"What!"

"He said….hey, mind the fabric."

Buffy released the vampire's blouse and stood back, frustration clearly written in her expression. "I must get myself a mobile."

"Here, use mine," Harmony offered her phone. "What?"

"I'm sorry, it's just odd to see a vampire with a mobile phone." Buffy replied amazed as she gratefully took the handset and dialled home.

"We weren't all born last century, you know. Contrary to popular belief, we also don't turn in to bats."

"Granted. It's weird, that's all. Somehow sacrilegious."

"Well you can learn something new every day, can't you," Harmony preached in her old superior tone.

"Do you know, I think with you, Harmony, that may very well be true."

"That was an insult, wasn't it? I can tell."

Buffy ignored her. "Willow? Is Dawn OK? Yes, please check. Spike hasn't shown up has he? Good. Keep an eye out for him, would you….thanks." A thought suddenly occurred to her as she gave Harmony back her property. "Harmony, what did Spike say again when he left?"

"He said he was going to see Dawn."

"His exact words?"

"His exact words were…..See you bitch, I'm going to greet my old friend Dawn."

"OK, thank you." Buffy left Harmony standing as she raced from the cemetery.

She found Spike sitting on a bench looking out over the sea. The horizon was one uninterrupted line. "Suicide's not your style," she said by way of introduction.

"Oh great! Another blonde to make my day."

"But, I'm your favourite one."

"My favourite blew a fuse, remember, and you confiscated her."

Buffy sat next to him and followed his gaze to where the sea met the sky. "This is as good a place to greet Dawn as any, I suppose. Burning up seems a painful way to go though."

"It's better to burn out than fade away."

"Oh dear oh dear, the poet in you is coming out again. If you get any more morose, I may join you."

"You should, slayer. Cos it don't get any better than this, or are you waiting for your LA prince to return? I'm sorry to tell you this…..well no I'm not, actually, I get great pleasure in emphasising it, he'll never be yours again."

Buffy looked away. "I refuse to believe that." She turned back round and looked him in the eye. "I have faith that his and my good deeds will someday bear fruit. He will be human again and I will…."

"Ha! Good deeds got no one nowhere. If you try too hard and care too much you'll just end up disillusioned like everyone else. Like money, good things only come to those who already have them."

"That's bullshit!"

"It's inspired bullshit."

"You may think yourself funky and streetwise, but you're unfunny and…crap," she tailed off weakly.

"Funky! I never said I was funky."

They both sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You should go somewhere, leave Sunnydale," Buffy suggested.

"I was thinking of going back to London, actually. I miss streets that curve round corners rather than meet at right angles, and are named rather than numbered."

"I've always wanted to see London," Buffy added wistfully.

"You should. It's like New York before Guilliani arrived."

"You can still smoke in New York, unlike California."

"Yea!" Spike warmed to the topic. "I've never been in a place that's so anti-smoking. Just another of America's foibles, I suppose, like shiny white teeth. I mean, what is it with you and teeth? Do you file them down and cap them as children or soak them in bleach every morning. And, chocolate, have you ever tried a Hershey Bar?" Spike made a face to show that he wasn't a fan. "Give me a McVities plain chocolate Homewheat digestive any day, dunked in tea, not decaffeinated, dechemicalised, decolourised cawfee.."

Buffy laughed out loud. "Oh, Spike, with lines like that you're not ready to die yet."

He turned to her. "You could do it, you know."

"What's that?" Buffy asked still recovering from his earlier tirade against her nation.

"Kill me. You could do it." The Slayer leapt off the bench and stood several feet away. "You could stake me now," he persisted.

Buffy stared at him horrified. The thought appalled her, despite having wanted, and tried, to kill him several times before he had the pacifying chip installed in his head. "You saved my life…and Dawn's….I…." She looked distressed. "Is that all you think of me as….an assassin, or a vet that puts down wounded animals?"

Spike wasn't deterred. "Why not kill me? I've got no soul, and it's not as though you'll miss me. You've made the last patently clear. So why not rid the world of another vampire…"

"Stop it! I live amongst the remains of dead people, Spike. Allow me to choose who I add to the pile." She wanted to make him understand. "I don't kill vampires because they're soulless, but because they harm humans. You are frequently selfish and basically amoral but, now you have that chip in your head you cannot physically harm anyone."

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever," he uttered, settling himself in the confines of the bench ready to greet the sun.

Buffy sat back down alongside him. "Spike, do you really have feelings for me?" She couldn't bring herself to say 'love'.

"Isn't it obvious by now? I thought the robot was a heavy hint."

"But, why me? I've tried to kill you on several occasions. I hate you as a matter of fact." The last line didn't come out a strong as she wanted.

"Give me some credit. You are fairly attractive, and the violence thing…..well that can be quite a turn on, believe me."

"Is that it, though? Am I just beauty and a good lay?" She stood up again.

"Bloody hell, woman! What more do you want? You know what you need, Buffy? Some un-sentimentalised sex."

She smiled. "With you I suppose."

"I'm an easy lay." Spike offered. Buffy laughed again. "You know, deep down, there's a light of interest," he persisted.

Buffy knelt on the ground in front of him. She teased a finger over the bruises on his face, inflicted on him by Glory. Leaning forward so her mouth was level to his ear she whispered, "In your dreams, dead boy." She leant back.

"One day, Slayer, we'll do the horizontal. I'm that good, believe me. After all, I've practised on a model."

Buffy stood up and brushed grit from her trousers. "Come on. The sun's nearly up."

Spike allowed her to pull him off the bench. They started to walk off the beach front. "Did anyone tell you you're short?" He taunted.

"Not and lived to repeat it."

"I mean you're really tiny."

"Bite me."

"Is that a come on?"

"OK, I'm going home now."

They parted. When she was several feet away she turned in the direction Spike was heading. "Say hello to Harmony for me," she shouted.

"Oh, God."


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter one **

**(one month later)**

Glory was dead.

The gang were gathered in Giles' shop, after hours. It was quite a low-key affair, considering the events of the previous day. Tara was back. Willow sat close to her partner and they were both lost in their own company; exchanging short sentences, conversing more with gentle touches than words. Everyone appeared happy and relieved. They were well aware, however, that they were lucky to still be alive, and the fact they had killed a god weighed heavily.

"She was hot," Xander added to a comment Spike had made about Glory.

"Xander!" Willow was horrified. "She tried to kill us."

"Yea, and yet she was hot as well."

Buffy hadn't spoken all evening. She had nodded her head when offered tea and smiled at the occasional mention of her name. She was lost in thought, though. The battle against Glory and her minions had been a chaotic and ferocious affair, like a Western gunfight; innocents had been caught in the crossfire and sheer desperation had taken control of events. She couldn't get out of her head the final nightmarish end chase. After the event, the memory seemed a mix of delirium: all sound effects and flamboyant visuals. The sense of running towards ones doom had been terrible, yet she had accepted it. Sitting now with all her friends in the comforting surroundings of Giles' shop seemed almost unreal.

"Hey, Watcher," Spike caught Giles' attention. He gestured to Buffy. "Watch, why don't you."

Giles saw that Buffy was sitting quietly off to one side. Her attention seemed to be on Dawn who was leaning forward enthusiastically chatting to Anya. He approached her and looked down at the petite young woman. She looked up and graced him a weak smile, quickly wiping away a tear. "I'm sorry," she offered. "I'm not much the life and soul of the party tonight."

He pulled up a chair and placed it in front of her. Sitting down, he took hold of her hands and noticed that she was shaking. "Penny for your thoughts."

"I was just thinking that Mom should be here. I mean we're all here…alive. I killed a god today, Giles and yet people in my life can still die of natural causes. You'd think we'd build up an immunity to everyday dangers in return for protecting the world from the unnatural ones."

"Except, of course, that the dangers we face are not unnatural. They are as everyday as….what killed your mother. It's just that not so many people know about them."

"Do you think if we didn't know of the dangers we wouldn't be affected by them…you know, like a sound in the forest not really being a sound if no-one's there to hear it?"

"That's a little bit deep for the occasion, I'm thinking," Giles suggested.

Buffy smiled sadly. "I'd like to keep out of the forest for a while, if that's alright?"

"You should take a rest from slaying, yes."

"Thank you."

xxxxxxxxxx

Giles was nearly finished locking up when the telephone rang. Everyone else had left for their homes. He contemplated letting it ring unanswered, but thought it best to check in case one of the others had forgotten something.

"Hello, The Magic Shop, can I help you?"

"Rupert? It's Quentin. My apologies for the early hour, but I think you should know…"

"Yes it is early. Can't it wait until later?"

"No it cannot. Karla is back in the country."

Giles was silent for several seconds. "Back? In England or America…..sorry, stupid question. You wouldn't be calling me if it was England."

"Quite. You know she will be heading for you…..or rather the Slayer."

"She has a name."

"Take care, Rupert. You know how effective Karla is. Prepare the Slay…prepare Buffy for the fight ahead."

"I will, thank you, Quentin. I'll keep you informed of our progress." He hung up. Staring out of the large shop window, his mind pictured Buffy at home resting after the last trial oblivious to the one on the horizon.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

"Buffy, we have a problem," Giles said after she had been in his shop for a few minutes, sitting at the large table towards the back, her feet perched on the solid pine top.

"No we don't," she countered. She was four days into her break from slayer duties and enjoying it too much to let him tarnish it with a 'problem'. "Unless Glory has pulled herself together again…..she hasn't has she," she added sitting up in the chair, the look of casual disregard wiped clean to be replaced with an honest fear that moved Giles with its intensity.

"No, don't worry," he reassured eventually.

"Good." Buffy willed herself to relax again. "You know, you didn't have to pause quite so long before replying. Anyway, problem lack of?"

"A vampire is on her way here…..or…..or may already be here."

"Not exactly front-page news. On the other hand, I suppose it is news since I haven't had many of those for a while. Sorry, I'm almost reminiscing. A vampire?"

"Yes. This one is trouble. She's well trained and…"

"….but not a god?"

"No."

"Then I'll deal with her. Hell, Giles I wanted a rest. Remember the forest metaphor?"

"The Slayer's work is never done."

"Oh thank you, Mr Cliché for every moment," Buffy sighed dramatically. "Should I worry about this woman?" She asked seriously.

"Her name's Karla. I'm sure you can handle her, but you'll need all your skill and should train."

"It'll make a change to have a professional vamp as an adversary. Giles, is there something I should know, seriously?" The Watcher looked puzzled. "She's a vampire. I've beaten Adam and Glory, yet you seem concerned….do you doubt my ability?" Buffy leant forward fixing Giles with a stare that mixed concern and doubt. "I know I needed help to defeat Adam and nearly lost it with Glory…"

"I am concerned, but…."He was interrupted by the other members of the Sunnydale slaying club piling into the shop. Giles stepped back a couple of feet and turned to the newcomers. He smiled awkwardly as though he had just been caught gossiping.

Buffy kept her look of concern until her eyes lit up on seeing Dawn walk in behind Xander. "I remember when you cut your hair cos you saw someone do it on TV, and you cried because it didn't grow back straight away like it did on the program." Xander conversed with Dawn. "You couldn't understand that it wasn't real life."

"Bad example, Xander. It still doesn't take away from the fact that I didn't exist then."

"Hey, I remember it and you remember it. That counts for something in my book."

"I guess so, when put like that. Thank you, my white knight." She reached up and kissed her hero on the cheek. Buffy could have hugged him herself and allowed a tear to fall unhindered. "Mind you," the younger Summers girl added. "The 'I think therefore I am' principal behind your argument is a bit of a cliché."

"What can I say? Philosophy is a hobby."

"That and watching too much Star Trek."

"You can never have too much Star Trek, unless of course the corsets and toupees start to show. Then, of course there's Voyager….sorry, I'm babbling."

Dawn giggled and ran over to her sister, who hugged her. "How was school?" Buffy asked.

"Boring, but I overcame it, being the superior entity I am." Buffy looked momentarily concerned until Dawn raised her eyebrows teasingly and couldn't prevent a smile escaping. The action was infectious.

"Thank you for picking her up from school," Buffy addressed her friends.

"No problem," Willow voiced from the coffee machine in Giles' office.

The gang sat around the table. Willow poured the percolated coffee and Giles passed out chocolate biscuits. This was their first time together since the night after defeating Glory. Despite the banter, they were still recovering. The good humour was more a defence mechanism. Willow never let Tara out of her sight despite the latter having fully recovered, and Buffy was reluctant to see Dawn off to school every morning. Dawn chanced her luck by suggesting she skip school, but her sister insisted much to the girl's disappointment. Besides, custody depended on Dawn doing well in her studies.

Suddenly the door was thrown open. The gang turned as one to the front of the shop. Spike stood in the doorway, his long black coat hung from his shoulders as he struck a pose almost iconic. Buffy couldn't help comparing him with Angel. Whenever either of them entered a room they hinted at mystery, violence, eroticism and fantasy, which she knew could cut loose at any time into action. "Hi, folks, you haven't eaten all the biscuits have you?" The vampire shouted down to them. Buffy immediately re-considered her thoughts.

"Are you going to stand there posing all night?" Came a familiar voice from outside. Spike stepped aside to allow Anya to enter. "Hi, everyone. I made cookies," she declared holding up a plate.

The door locked and the blinds pulled down, they were free now to relax.

"What I can't understand," Xander added to a conversation, "is why make the key in the first place. I mean, the dimensions were all sealed, and to open them would be disastrous, so why make a key that would only unseal them?"

"Oh thank you, Xander, question the meaning behind my whole existence, why don't you." The young man looked contrite. Dawn smiled again, relishing his discomfort. "You're not too old to be taken across my knee, young lady," he teased back at her.

"Err, excuse me," Buffy added. "She certainly is too old." She winked at her sister. Baiting Xander had been their favourite game for years.

Xander tried a different subject. "Why so glum, dead boy?" He addressed Spike who had sat silent since he arrived.

"I'm bored."

"Thank you for that," Giles added.

"I want to kill something. All I seem to do lately is eat and have sex. Now, don't get me wrong, they're normally two of my favourite pastimes, but since we're talking about Harmony…..

"Yes, we do sex with food as well," Anya contributed. Xander blushed a wonderful shade of red. "The only problem is making sure the refrigerator is well stocked."

"I know what you mean," Spike enthused. "When you're down to just pork chops and Gorgonzola cheese the aphrodisiac quality kind of dissipates."

Giles got up. "You know, conversing with you is never boring," he said taking the empty cups to the sink.

"What's up, Giles are we embarrassing you?" Spike smiled.

"I'll help you wash up," Anya offered. Everyone stared at her. "What? I can do housework."

With his fiancé absent Xander let out a dramatic sigh and slumped down in his chair, as though he had been tense before. "I love her deeply, but sometimes I wish she wrote down what she was going to say and let me read it first."

"But that's part of her charm," Buffy said. "Besides, she loves you back just as deeply, so that's all that matters, surely."

"Does she? Did she say that?"

"I think her exact words were 'well-hung', but they were said with feeling," Spike grinned widely. Willow and Tara burst out laughing.

"Spike!" Buffy admonished.

"What? What's up?"

"She means, not in front of the little girl sitting to your right," Dawn replied.

Xander covered his face with his hands. "I've got to get myself some male friends," he groaned.

"Hey! What am I then?" Spike objected. Xander glared at him dangerously. "Point taken."

Giles re-emerged from the back room. Buffy stood up. "Giles, I'm off out to look for our newly arrived vampire. As the adult representative, could I ask that you protect my sister from any unhealthy influences, mentioning no names of course."

Giles nodded. "Be careful."

"Always."

xxxxxxx

The night was beautiful, Buffy thought. The stars glittered clearly, their constellations easy to make out. The lack of cloud cover however made the air cooler. She shivered and followed the movement by swinging round and levelling a high kick into the stomach of the figure that she sensed had been following her for the last ten minutes. The vampire barely registered the impact, arching her stomach to lessen the weight behind Buffy's strike.

"That was fast, but not fast enough I'm afraid," the female vampire commented.

"Karla?"

"Yes! So they gave you advance warning. You must be Buffy the vampire slayer. I've heard so much about you. Your reputation is spread pretty wide. Miserable excuses for demons cry in their beer as far away as the old Soviet republics. I had to come over and see what all the fuss was about. I must admit you're shorter than I expected."

"Are you finished?"

"And sassy with it too. OK then let's just fight." Karla launched herself into the air and glided forward, one leg out ready to strike Buffy.

At the last second Buffy dodged out of the way and grabbed hold of the outstretched limb, pulling the vampire to the ground. "I saw that movie as well. It only works if you have wires."

Karla rolled with the fall professionally. Whilst on the ground she used her legs to grip Buffy's and pulled the ground from beneath the slayer. Both adversaries leapt to their feet. They blocked punches and kicks like they both could read the other's mind. Only occasionally did a strike get through the otherwise impenetrable defences. The fight went on for nearly twenty minutes before Karla stepped back slightly.

"That was so much fun. It's been a long time. I do believe that you may be the one."

Buffy lunged forward and was easily able to land a fist to Karla's stomach. A second blow, levelled downwards to her face was easier still. The vampire crumpled to her knees. She made no effort to stand, allowing Buffy to kick her chest sending her flat on her back. The Slayer dropped with all her weight onto the demon's stomach and was about to drive her stake in to her prize when she finally realised that Karla had stopped putting up a defence. She looked at her puzzled, but never relinquished her advantage.

"You are good, Buffy," Karla said eventually. "I'm not surprised you have survived the longest…...What's up, slayer?" She asked when Buffy appeared confused. "Didn't they tell you? You are the longest-surviving slayer. You beat the record months ago. My record, incidentally," she hammered home the point. Buffy jumped up and took several steps back, a look of horror written on her face. Karla laughed. "They didn't tell you that either? Oh that's superb!"

"You're a slayer….."

"No, I'm a vampire. You're a slayer."

"But, you…"

"Used to be a slayer? Yes."

"How….?"

"How did I die? I'm sorry I'm finishing your sentences, but I've been through this a few times. How did I die? Hey, I'm a vampire, go figure."

Buffy backed away further. "I was going to say how did it come about. Were you taken down by force of numbers, or worn down til you were tired?"

"Oh I was tired alright! Tired of long nights without eight hours sleep. Tired of sleeping alone in the centre of a double bed. Tired of saving a world that went on killing each other regardless. I see I'm hitting close to home," she added when Buffy's eyes gave away her feelings. "I guess you're not going to kill me now, are you?"

The slayer fled.

xxxxxxx

Buffy walked slowly along Sunnydale's main street. It was late and few people were about to notice a girl, her arms wrapped around her small body frame, slowly negotiate her way. She noticed a light was still on in the Magic Shop. She remembered that the others said they would wait for her. It was a Friday so no one had to get up early the next day. A darkly clad figure emerged from an alley to her left. She offered up no defence, but there was no need to anyway. Buffy recognised the brown woollen cloak the stranger wore and knew he was a monk of some kind.

"Slayer," the monk greeted and bowed before her. "I am honoured to be the one to offer the gratitude of my Order for the service you have given."

"I…..I don't understand."

"The Key. You have protected the Key and defeated the demon that would possess it."

"Glory?"

"Glorificus, yes. Now she is defeated, the Key is safe again and can be returned to its rightful place."

A sick realisation hit Buffy full force and she nearly staggered under its impact. She looked towards the Magic Shop and back to the monk. "No. Please no," she pleaded, her voice barely audible. The monk tilted his head questioningly. "She's my sister. Please no." She backed away from the monk as though he were the worse horror she had faced in her long career.

"You will soon forget. Do not be concerned."

"No!" Buffy screamed and ran in the direction of the shop. "Dawn!" She reached the shop door and pushed it open, splintering the lock with no effort. Her friends were seated round the table as she had left them barely two hours earlier, except that Spike was no longer with them. She counted the figures before her. "Dawn, where's Dawn?" She shouted. The others followed startled expressions with puzzlement at her question. "Where's Dawn!"

"Buffy, calm down," Giles tried to sooth his pupil as he stood up to approach her.

"Where's my sister!"

"Buffy, please. You're frightening us," Willow reached her friend.

"Please tell me. Where is Dawn?" Buffy begged the Wicca.

"I don't understand. Who's Dawn?"

Buffy collapsed to her knees and sobbing in anguish. Willow went to hold her but was pushed away. For the second time that night, Buffy fled.

xxxxxxx

Giles nursed a cup of tea. He sat downstairs in his dressing gown having unsuccessfully tried to sleep. Worry for Buffy; her whereabouts and her state of mind plagued his thoughts. She had left on her patrol that night seemingly good humoured. He knew she was by no means content, and was suffering from months of stress, not to mention the final trauma of nearly seeing the world dragged into a fate worst than death. But, what had dragged her down to such a level of despair in such a short time? Who was this Dawn she screamed for? He was pulled from such thoughts by a knock on the door. Wondering who would want him at 2am, but hoping it would be Buffy, he opened the door. He was relieved when it did turn out to be his student.

"Can I come in?" Buffy asked with a weak smile.

"Of course….of course you can." He stood back to allow the petite young woman to enter. She stood by his sofa silent as though waiting for instructions or to be chided for some wrongdoing. "Sit down, Buffy." She did so. He sat opposite her and tried to read her expression and discern the turmoil that was playing across her face.

"I met Karla this evening…"

"Yes? How….…"

"She used to be a slayer then," Buffy interrupted him.

"Yes." Buffy nodded her head calmly. "Buffy…."

"And it would appear she was the longest serving slayer before she was taken."

"Buffy…."

"And," she interrupted again. "It would appear that I am the new record holder. Have been for some time now. It's amazing what a person can learn these days when speaking to a vampire." Giles didn't try and say something despite Buffy pausing. "I appreciate you wanting to protect me, but did you think I couldn't kill my predecessor?"

"I never had any doubt."

"Liar. Anyway, you were right; I couldn't kill her there and then. It was a bit of a shock, Giles. Don't keep secrets from me again. I can't function without knowing everything there is to know."

"Understood." There followed another long silence. "Buffy," he broke. "What about Dawn?"

"Not now. Perhaps I'll tell you about her someday."

"You look tired. You should get some rest."

"I was wondering….my house is….empty. Could I stay the night here?"

"Of course."

"Thank you." She lifted her legs off the floor and laid herself out on the sofa. "Thank you," she said again softly.

Giles lay on top of his bed covers asleep. He had read for a while, but the book had long since fallen on the floor. When he finally awoke, the sun was playing horizontal strokes of light through his blinds. He smiled when he realised Buffy had joined him during the early hours: her still-sleeping form lay alongside him.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

"Buffy, you know you can't just give up slaying," Giles responded to her declaration in front of him and the rest of the gang. They were all assembled at the back of Magic Shop.

"But, I want to." She stood up against the bookshelves, dwarfed by their height. The others were sat at the table, except Giles, who stood across from it.

"That's not a good enough reason," the Watcher declared, speaking over the heads of the others. They felt trapped between two warring parties.

"Alright then, I really want to."

"Buffy….."

"Look, I can give up and I will…I have, in fact," she stated. Buffy paced back and forwards and looked unsure of her position amongst the group. She remembered threatening to kill her friends if they harmed Dawn. It suddenly occurred to her that they wouldn't remember. The memory would have disappeared with that of her sister. " Someone else can take my place." She ended almost as an after thought, her mind elsewhere.

"It takes the death of one slayer for another to come forth."

"Yeah, no life and a short life. You're not actually going for the hard sell are you, Giles."

"And, you know the Council will not be best pleased…."

"Fuck the Council!…"

"Buffy, language!….."

"I have never acted for the Council! They have never been my mentors. Hell, I've even given you a hard time over the years…..and what do you mean 'language, Buffy?' God, I'm not a student in your library any more. I voted last year, Giles."

"I'm just saying it's not as simple as just saying 'no'."

"You're the best qualified, Buffy to beat all that's bad out there," Xander added. "Who else can make the cemeteries safe to walk at night? I mean, if there's something strange in our neighbourhood, who're we gonna call?"

"And….and.. we can help. You know, like the old days," Willow joined in.

"Which old days, Will? The ones with or without a sister?"

Giles leaned forward, his weight resting on the table. "The ones where you knew what your duty was and felt it worthwhile!"

"Those days never existed. They were a figment conjured up by monks to make us feel safe in times of peril. The big bad has gone now and…" she trailed off, knowing that she was over stretching an analogy and pushing her luck, no doubt. She sat down at the table and stared ahead, realising that she was alone in her intentions.

"It'll be nice to get back to normal," Xander broke the pause in the proceedings. "All this Glory and her Key stuff have been pretty intense. Give me a regular vamp. I can fight them."

"Yes, and we can all sit around and research, like the old days, and we will know how to beat them" Willow said.

"The old days again," Buffy intoned. "It's funny, I consider the old days to be pre-slaying, but I realise I am in the minority." She adopted a fake smile that said she conceded everyone's point. "I was being silly and I apologise." She stood up determinedly. "There's no time like the present. It's still early, I'm going to do a sweep of the area before I hit the hay."

"You're patrolling tonight? Buffy, I didn't mean for you….."

"Hey, no worries. I should start as I mean to go on, otherwise I'll get used to the leisure time and fill it with TV and put on weight." She smiled again.

Buffy gathered her small backpack and circled round the table. "Willow," she said facing her. "I never said thank you for using your magic to protect…..to protect the Key. I know how dangerous it was. Please don't do it too much – the nose bleeds can't be healthy." Willow nodded. "And Xander and Anya, congratulations on the engagement." The young man looked embarrassed. Anya regarded her sadly. "I'll see you later," Buffy said eventually and made her way to the front door.

Anya separated herself from the others and stood watching the Slayer leave. "Thank you, Buffy," she called to her. Buffy turned round and faced the ex-vengeance demon. Her expression failed to convey the light-hearted banter she had shown seconds earlier. Rather, there was a haunted look to her eyes that Anya acknowledged sadly.

Anya turned round to the others when Buffy had left the shop.

"You seem sad," Xander observed his partner closely.

She looked over to him affectionately. "I was just thinking about Buffy. She deserved a better life." Xander and the others sitting round the table looked to her confused. " I mean, I'm starting to enjoy this whole mortal thing, pain and gut-wrenching fear notwithstanding, but apart from the sex, I'm sure Buffy wanted something more normal."

"Normal is good, I'm thinking," Willow agreed.

"It's vastly underrated." Anya added.

"When she gets back, we must try and allow her to enjoy her life more. She should re-enrol in college for a start." Willow was warming to the subject. "We must have a party in our room, Tara. Perhaps we can find some guy to match her with…"

"If she gets back," Anya uttered.

This caused a deathly silence to descend on the gathering. Giles stood up from the table and walked over to the shop counter. Willow looked over to Tara. Xander broke the ice. "Anya, love, we don't talk about Buffy not returning from a patrol. It's kind of a taboo subject…."

"I know that. I'm not totally insensitive. Tonight, though, she seemed resigned to not returning…none of you read it in her eyes because you were all too keen to emphasise how great it would be get back to normal vampire hunting, after killing Glory," she added accusingly.

"You're scaring me now. Giles, tell her she's wrong." Xander received no comfort from the Watcher. "Damn it, Anya you've picked a fine time to become clear thinking. Why didn't you say anything at the time?"

"What would you have done, chase after her?"

"Yes!"

"Then I'm glad I didn't. It's her life, Xander. She has very little control over it as it is. Let her at least decide over her death."

"Like hell I will…."

"Xander, sit down," Giles said gently.

"No I won't!" The younger man made to leave the shop.

"Sit down!" Giles ordered. "Buffy has to cope with this on her own. She'll be stronger for it and better able to face her duty. If we help her through this crisis, she will only have to confront it again."

"And if she doesn't 'cope with it' successfully this time…what then, wait for another slayer!"

"If necessary."

"Giles, we can't just sit here and do nothing," Willow pleaded.

"We can and we will."

xxxxxxxxx

Buffy negotiated her way round the graves of Sunnydale's dead: her concentration narrowed down to preventing herself from tripping up; exposed roots and tufts of well-established grass were a testament to the lack of care devoted to keeping the cemetery presentable. She reached a crossroads where two paths met. Standing by the entrance to a large mausoleum, she closed her eyes. The vampire that had been following her grabbed her arms. It lifted her off her feet and tossed her to one side. Buffy landed on the ground several feet away. Her adversary made up the distance and was standing inches from her when Buffy stood up, stake in hand. The demon grabbed her by the throat and hoisted her off her feet again, pushing her backwards to the ground. This time, however, he stood over her before she was able to stand. Buffy edged herself up to a leaning position; her weight supported by a low gravestone. Her expression giving away no emotion, she allowed the vampire to crouch down to her level. He revealed his teeth and made ready to lunge forward. Buffy closed her eyes to avoid seeing death come. She suddenly found her face brushed with a brief breeze of dust. She opened her eyes and found someone else staring down at her. She noticed milk white skin and hair too white to be natural before she realised it was Spike. He held a stake in one hand, her stake.

She closed her eyes again briefly before finally returning her attention to her saviour. "Hello, Spike. What're you doing here?"

"I live here, remember." He held out his hand and when Buffy placed hers in it, he pulled the Slayer up. "That was a close call," he stated neutrally. Buffy didn't respond. She brushed dirt and dust from her front and made to leave. "Hey, where are you going?"

"Patrolling. The night is still young."

"Well, be careful, why don't you."

"…Always."

Spike re-entered the mausoleum, leaving the Slayer to resume her duties. Five minutes later he looked back out to find her still standing where he had left her. She stood with her arms straight by her side, her stake barely held in her right hand. Eventually noticing her audience, she turned her attention to him.

"Do you want to come in?" Spike offered. She didn't respond, but approached him and squeezed past her host as he held the door open for her. She stood still in the centre of the tomb and observed Spike walk over to a trestle table that served multiple purposes, in the sparsely furnished interior.

Buffy watched him light a cigarette and pull in and breathe out a cloud of smoke; indulging in the deathly habit satisfied in the knowledge that it held no danger to him. She normally disapproved of smoking. It was a waste of time and money. But Spike made the act of taking in and expelling an art form. He wasn't a teenage boy puffing away in an attempt to look tough for his peers. No, he looked relaxed, nonchalant even. Spike made the Marlboro Man look like a wimp.

"Why do you keep coming back to me?" Spike asked suddenly. Buffy shook herself out of her reverie. She looked puzzled at his question. "Don't deny it," he challenged. "For someone who professes to hate me, you have a hard job keeping away. It's as though you have to see me at least once a week. Or do you get some enjoyment out of flaunting yourself."

Buffy remained silent. She was confused at the tirade directed at her. "I…." She looked down at her feet. "I feel alive when I'm with you. I can hate you without having to kill you." She lifted her head up and faced him. "You make me laugh, sometimes even intentionally. I feel safe," she uttered as though it had just occurred to her. "I feel safe somehow…and strangely…"

"I make you forget."

"Yea."

"That's cool." He poured two glasses of wine from an already opened bottle on the table and offered one to Buffy. "I mean, apart from the unintentionally funny comment." His cigarette was positioned in his mouth and it bobbed up and down as he spoke. He took one deep intake of smoke and then discarded the cancer stick. "I don't suppose I turn you on as well." Buffy laughed. "I meant that to be funny," he added.

Buffy sat down on a chair, one of only two present. She cradled the glass and looked at the red liquid. "I met another slayer the other night," she revealed.

"Faith? Have they let her out already?"

"No…and no….it was an ex-slayer….a vampire."

"Oh, you mean Karla."

"Am I the only one who didn't know about her?" Buffy uttered petulantly. "Or was it you that killed her?"

"I've only killed two slayers," Spike responded matter-of-factly, when in the past he had boasted of the fact. "and she wasn't one of them. I've been around a while, Buffy. I get to hear things." There followed a couple of minute's silence before Spike felt compelled to break it. "And?" He prompted her to continue.

"She wanted to die."

"Yea? Interesting. Perhaps the three of us can come together and form a club."

"She wanted me to kill her…said she was tired…when she was a slayer she was tired. It was like looking in a mirror." She looked away.

The vampire laughed. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. You know, mirrors, vampires….sorry, carry on."

Buffy remained silent. Spike felt uncomfortable. "So, how's Dawn?" He ventured. He was taken aback by the impact the question had: Buffy fixed him with a haunting look. He glimpsed tears forming.

"You remember?" She demanded, a desperate tone to her voice. She stood up and made up the gap between them. She grabbed him by the arms. "You remember her?" She repeated.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" He was concerned. "Is Dawn OK?"

Buffy buried her head in his chest and broke down. "She's gone. They took her away from me," she mourned.

Spike pulled her away from him and held her by the shoulders to look into her eyes. "What do you mean….who took her and where?" He was becoming almost desperate himself. When Buffy was finally able to reveal the events of that night he pulled her back into his arms and allowed her cry uncontrollably for what seemed like minutes.

Buffy eventually calmed down enough to look up and into Spike's eyes. "Do you really remember her?" He nodded. "You're crying," she noticed.

"I…I liked her as well, you know," Spike declared defensively.

Buffy stood on tiptoes and gratefully kissed the vampire before her. She then kissed him a second time, as though the first had been a test. "Buffy….."

"Sssh," she said and wiped a tear from his eye before it could trickle down his cheek. She leaned forward and kissed him again, this time more affectionately.

"What do you want from me, Buffy?" Spike asked desperately.

"Make me forget."


	5. Chapter 4 and epilogue

**Chapter four**

Buffy opened her eyes and surveyed the tomb that Spike called home. It had very few home comforts, but was obviously his. Several empty liquor bottles were spaced about the room. She wondered whether he placed them there for effect, or if he let them drop where he happened to be standing at the time he drained the contents of each bottle. The bed was comfortable though.

"So how are you feeling now, pet?" The bleached one asked from the trestle table several feet away.

"Oh, like a new woman; fulfilled and sated. What sort of question was that?"

"I meant do you still feel suicidal?"

"Oh…..I thought you meant….oh dear."

"Since you brought up the subject, how do you feel?" He winked.

"Why did you save me?" She interrupted.

"It's not good for the neighbourhood to have a slayer die. I have standards to maintain."

"It's a cemetery."

"Yea. People are dying to get a residence here."

Buffy smiled despite the joke's antiquity.

"I can think of better ways to die than have your blood sucked from you," Spike returned to the subject. "Which is ironic since I can't think of better way to kill."

Buffy draped her legs over the side of the bed and started to get dressed. She felt strangely self-conscious despite having revealed all there was to reveal the night before.

"Seriously, Buffy."

She cradled her head in her hands. "My whole life seems to be taking place without me in it. I….I guess I needed to see if I could at least control part of it. I feel like Truman with Giles and the Council watching over me, and Gods and monks using me. To make things worse, nobody tells me anything….."

"Nobody tells me anything either, but I like it that way."

"I don't know who I am any more!"

He walked over to the bed and looked down at the young woman he had shared the night with. He looked into her eyes and saw the wall behind him reflected there. That and a plea for some meaning to her existence. "Who am I, Spike?" Buffy asked.

"That's the wrong question. It's a conceit of Humanity and not a few demons as well, I might add, to ask that, but it's a pointless effort. As if any one of us is more important than another. Come here," he beckoned pulling her to her feet. He led her to the door. When he opened it Buffy was surprised to see that it was night. They had been entombed all day.

The night sky was a black canvas with stars: a field of diamonds sparkling for all to glory in. "See the stars, Buffy?" Spike wrapped his arms round her waist and she leant her head on his shoulder. "Millions upon millions out there. We see but a few from our vantage point, but the others exist. No single one is more important that another. Some burn brighter and could be said to be more beautiful, but they are all lights shining. Who are you, Buffy? You are that star there," he pointed. "And the one next to it is me. Joyce is there as well, perhaps a bit dimmer than you and me, but there all the same. After all, most stars are memories of light that burnt out eons ago."

"And Dawn? The monk said I would forget her in time."

"You wont forget her. She'll shine up there with the rest of us. I believe the Key itself made you remember her. It was Dawn for six months, and possessed fourteen years of memories. By allowing you to remember it gives that existence meaning."

"Then why do you still remember?"

"I don't know, to keep you sane, perhaps. We can't have a slayer running around with an imaginary sister can we?"

Buffy turned round in his arms and regarded the enigma that was Spike. "When did you become so smart?"

"I've always been smart, just didn't realise it until recently. I had an epiphany one night whilst sitting on a bench looking out to sea."

She smiled affectionately, but then pulled away from him. "About last night….I…..it doesn't mean I love you….."

"I know."

"But I….I needed you then and….and you are special to me. Last night wasn't just an un-sentimental act."

"I know."

"I must go," she said finally, backing away from him.

"You don't have to leave now."

"Yes, I do. I have something that needs finishing. If I get through it….."

"Don't say if."

"Spike, I'm not infallible. One night I won't return."

"Be careful then."

"Always."

**Epilogue**

Via the Magic Shop, which was closed and empty, to pick up a sword, then Willie's Place for information, Buffy found herself standing outside one of Sunnydale's oldest residences. Tall iron railings, ornate and quite forbidding to unwelcome salesmen and riff raff, surrounded it. The sign didn't say 'no slayers' though and the gate was open.

The front door was open as well. Buffy was starting to feel used again, as though she were expected to be there. "I hope I'm not late," she muttered to herself.

Except for one worn easy-chair, the front room, and as far as Buffy knew, the rest of the house was bare. Karla sat facing her visitor. "Hello, Buffy. Sorry about the lack of home comforts, but the place was rented unfurnished."

"That's OK I'm kinda shocked to find a vampire paying rent."

"Between you and me, if you hadn't turned up, I planned on leaving without paying, being evil as I am. Do we need to fight first?"

"No, but I do need to know something."

"Why did I give up all those years ago?"

Buffy didn't respond.

Karla stood up and went to the window. "The war in Europe was over; GIs had been returning by the thousand. In a small town in the mid-west, however, a demon lord had managed to conjure up a spell to open a hell mouth. To work, however, it required the death of the whole town. 10,000 souls to secure a foot hold in this world. I had a group of disciples to help me; trusted companions who had stuck with me for four years. After a long desperate battle, we succeeded in preventing the mouth opening. It cost the life of all my friends and my Watcher. But, we had been victorious. It was worth the sacrifice. I had lost friends before and a new Watcher would be assigned. I knew that 10,000 people, men women and children had been saved." She turned round to face Buffy. "The following day the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima." She approached the slayer. "Nothing seemed worth it after that. You don't kill me tonight. You set me free."

"I know," Buffy whispered.

She brought the sword up and round, and in one clean swing severed the ex-slayer's head. Buffy turned away to leave before the dust settled. Outside the house she afforded one glance at the night sky before heading home.

Field of diamonds in the sky

Worlds a whirlin' right on by

Are you wonderin' who am I

Field of diamonds in the sky

Am I just a star on some crown?

Or someone's life sun

Going down going down

Field of diamonds in the sky

Silent beauty shining high

Are you tears? The angels cry

Field of diamonds in the sky

Field of diamonds in the sky

Like the night you passed me by

I could touch you if I try

Field of diamonds in the sky

(Johnny Cash)

**end**


End file.
